34

I’ve been thinking about how strange birthdays can feel. Some years they’re loud and full of laughter, and other years they’re quiet... the kind where you feel every single decision that’s led you to this exact day.

This year is definitely the quiet kind.

I’ve hit a point in my life where I have to be honest with myself... I don’t love who I’ve been. In truth, I don’t think I’ve ever loved myself. I’ve carried that truth for so long, like an invisible weight, and lately, it’s felt heavier than ever.

I’ve made mistakes... big ones. I've learned big lessons, and I continue to live and learn.

But today I turn 34, and I’ve decided something: I’m done living like this. It sounds so cliché, I know.

From here on out, I’m choosing change. Not the pretty, “Instagram version” of change, but the kind that requires eating humble pie daily, apologizing when I’m wrong, showing up even when I’d rather hide, and rebuilding trust brick by brick.

In counseling recently, we talked about how I’m like Rapunzel... my counselor’s words, not mine. I’ve built a tall, strong tower to store all the hurt I’ve carried from years of abuse and trauma. In that tower, I’m safe. No one can hurt me with new pain if I keep everyone at a distance. But it’s also lonely up here. There’s no sunlight, no fresh air, and no real, honest, deep connection.

We’ve been talking about how to take the tower down. Not in one dramatic crash, but slowly... brick by brick. Slowly enough to feel safe, but surely enough to finally let people in.

I’m going to find myself... the me I was meant to be before the world and my own self-doubt piled on all the noise. The me who doesn’t self-sabotage when things feel too good to be true, or use anger as a shield to hide how scary vulnerability can be. I’m going to search for my calling and figure out what it means to really live a life that matters. I’m going to dig into my faith and let it guide me instead of letting fear, shame, and self-serving decisions drive the bus.

I don’t expect to be perfect. In fact, I’m counting on not being perfect. But I do expect to be better... even if it’s just 1% better each day.

So here’s to 34.
Here’s to showing up.
Here’s to doing the hard work.
Here’s to tearing down the tower.
Here’s to becoming someone I can finally learn to love.

And here’s to the day I look back on this post and realize... this was the moment it all started to change.