I’ve been distant. Like, realllllllyyyyyy distant. Like when I lived in Montana, and the land was so flat and clear that your dog could run away and you'd still be able to see him off in the distance 3 days later ... still running away from you. Like that.
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Not intentionally. Not dramatically. Not because I don’t love the people in my life. But because I am overwhelmed in a way that makes even the smallest things feel… impossible.
And somehow, replying to a text message can feel like one of the hardest ones.
Which is ridiculous, annoying, and lame because it’s literally just words on a screen.
But also… It’s not.
It’s the weight of everything.
Health stuff.
Family stuff.
Finances.
The move back in November that still has my brain living in half-unpacked boxes.
The state of the world, which feels so heavy I don’t even know where to put it all.
And then the normal life things layered on top…
Dinner. Deciding what's for DINNER every single night!
Laundry.
Appointments.
Trying to be okay in public.
Trying to joke and laugh like I’m not two seconds away from crying constantly.
And in the middle of all that, there are people I love.
Friends I adore.
Messages I’ve read and meant to respond to.
Texts that deserve warmth, effort, and connection.
But instead, I freeze.
Because my brain goes:
If I reply now, I have to explain why it took me three weeks.
If I explain, I’ll cry.
If I cry, I’ll feel dramatic.
If I feel dramatic, I won’t reply at all.
& If I freak out, my body will go into a POTS flare, and I won't be able to leave the couch for days.
Friendship paralysis.
It’s like being emotionally stuck in quicksand while holding your phone. The strange part is that the love doesn’t go away. The caring doesn’t go away. I still think about people. I still miss them. I still want connection. But I don’t know how to show up when I’m barely showing up for myself.
And then the guilt starts.
Because the longer I wait, the heavier it feels. And the heavier it feels, the harder it gets. A cycle of silence that doesn’t reflect my heart at all. Just my capacity.
I wish we talked about this more. I wish it were more normal to say: “I love you. I’m just overwhelmed.”
Because honestly, I think a lot of us are walking around feeling like bad friends when we’re really just… exhausted humans.
Trying.
Surviving.
Doing our best.
So if you’ve texted me and I haven’t responded… Please know it isn’t because I don’t care.
It’s because my brain sometimes treats social interaction like an unpaid internship when I’m already running on 3% battery.
I am here. I still love you. I’m just stuck right now.
And I’m hoping that rest and time will help me find my way back.
... Probably after a nap.
Or five.
Because my brain goes:
If I reply now, I have to explain why it took me three weeks.
If I explain, I’ll cry.
If I cry, I’ll feel dramatic.
If I feel dramatic, I won’t reply at all.
& If I freak out, my body will go into a POTS flare, and I won't be able to leave the couch for days.
Friendship paralysis.
It’s like being emotionally stuck in quicksand while holding your phone. The strange part is that the love doesn’t go away. The caring doesn’t go away. I still think about people. I still miss them. I still want connection. But I don’t know how to show up when I’m barely showing up for myself.
And then the guilt starts.
Because the longer I wait, the heavier it feels. And the heavier it feels, the harder it gets. A cycle of silence that doesn’t reflect my heart at all. Just my capacity.
I wish we talked about this more. I wish it were more normal to say: “I love you. I’m just overwhelmed.”
Because honestly, I think a lot of us are walking around feeling like bad friends when we’re really just… exhausted humans.
Trying.
Surviving.
Doing our best.
So if you’ve texted me and I haven’t responded… Please know it isn’t because I don’t care.
It’s because my brain sometimes treats social interaction like an unpaid internship when I’m already running on 3% battery.
I am here. I still love you. I’m just stuck right now.
And I’m hoping that rest and time will help me find my way back.
... Probably after a nap.
Or five.
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